One

This is a terrible blog, you should run away from it right now before you find yourself:

a) Bored to death.

b) Confused as to whether or not I am sane.

c) Outraged that my high school bullies ever allowed me to live past Grade 9.

d) Saddened that so many maladies and terrible predicaments can befall one poor person.

e) Warmed in your little old heart (or that place where your heart should be, you know, that place you tried to replace with television and relativism. I'll get in there or I'll die trying.)

What? You're still reading?

Aren't there any recently painted walls that you need to supervise?  Don't you have some entertaining infomercials that you just can't bear to miss? Isn't there a *shudder* Nickelback album you should be listening to?

No? Well, you were warned that there were other pointless things you could have been doing other than reading this...

So let's get to know each other. What's your name? Where are you from? What are your hobbies?

Really? Oh wow!

Me? You wouldn't be that interested about that, would you? But, since you're the one reading I guess it's only fair that I divulge a little about myself. After this point, I am going to assume that your were warned enough about the silliness of even giving me one-tenth of a second of your time and stop doing that self-deprecating thing where I warn you to stop reading this blog. Not that I won't be self-deprecating though, far from it, you'll actually probably find me MORE self-deprecating for that is an intrinsic part of my very nature. But seriously, you were warned enough about not reading this blog, I can't spend any more of my time trying to save you from your own very unhealthy decisions.

Hi, I'm Mitchell...

You can call me that, or Mitch or Meotch, those are the things I usually go by. I adopted the pseudonym "The Black Duck" some time ago, it's sort of a stupid way of uniquely calling myself a "Black Sheep" but with an animal I like more.  I might sign this blog "Mitchell" or "The Black Duck" depending on how attached or detached I feel like being from the subject matter. There will also be times that the blog post will come from the very wise Kizzy Kalderash. Here's a picture of her:

Maybe you don't think she's real but if she wasn't real could she have a Facebook? http://www.facebook.com/people/Kizzy-Kalderash/100002019561281

Don't be fooled by her brown complexion, she is just as much of a "Black Duck" as I am. You'll see... I mean look at how she gets around:

How silly, who would choose to use luggage as their primary means of conveyance?

Black Duck Post travel expenses are fully covered.

As this blog is written you will learn a lot about me, here's a bit of preliminary info:

I was born in the late 1980s, deep in Latter-Day Saint country (you might know them as "Mormons"). The winds were strong in that part of the world, and the constant opening and closing of the vent above the range in the kitchen was driving my parents to the brink of exhaustion and deeply grinding upon their nerves. Also, being a very slight little chap, they had to hold onto me whenever we went anywhere lest the wind should knock me down. It wasn't always the wind's fault either, I was miserably top-heavy and off-balance. Imagine a very skinny three year old with a massively large head, like a golf-ball on a tee or a bobble-head doll of Jared Leto with brown eyes. (No I'm not being conceited, a bobble-head doll is neither handsome nor talented. It's kitschy, sure, but that's about all.) So, tired of manhandling their disproportionately shaped child around or listening to the sounds of the blood vessels in their head bursting from wind-related stress, my mother and father pointed at a rectangle on the map (Saskatchewan) and decided to move to it.

My father was a baker, and the town we moved to I don't think he or mother had ever even heard of before. The town will remain nameless in this blog because I have so little in the way of nice things to say about it. I will tell you this though, esthetically and architecturally it is probably one of the most beautiful places in the prairies, yes oh yes. But like so many things that are beautiful at surface level, there was a real underlying ugliness to that place. I spent 15 years of my life there and I don't miss that place for more than about 12 seconds a year, and that is the truth. (More on that later)

When I was 18 I boarded a bus and moved to a place called Saskatoon. Heard of it? It's either named after a delicious berry or the tree that fruit grows on, which is kind of unique when you think about it. I lived in Saskatoon for four years and then left to try and pursue a happy life elsewhere, boy did I get that one wrong! After 14 months away, I came crawling back and despite the fact that some very unpleasant things happened to me as soon as I did (more on those things later) I couldn't be happier that I decided to call this place home again. Why? Here's why:

That girl with the soup is my fiance Kalyn. She is the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen and I can say that without even the slightest hint of insincerity. With Kalyn I have everything I ever wanted or needed in a woman and I feel as complete as one can with the tangible parts of our existence. Since I have been with her I have started to forget much of what my life was like before. Everything I know as memory seems to always include either her or the distinct realization that it was from a time before I knew her. The first time I saw her my life was changed forever, and that was a significant amount of time before I had the pleasure of making her acquaintance. If you are also called or drawn (or whatever you want to call it) to marry someone, I really hope that you will find someone that makes you feel the same. Eddie Murphy says in his comedy film RAW "Do you ever meet someone that is so fine that they make you ugly?" Yeah, yeah, that's exactly how I felt when I first saw her...but I guess things have changed somewhat.

Now here's a picture of the two of us together:

Bit of a discrepancy in looks huh? Bit of someone (the guy) not only being with someone way out of his league but not even playing the same sport eh? Yeah, I know. I know she's like an Olympic Gold Medalist and I'm at home playing Go Fish by myself but look at the way she smiles when I'm kissing her... makes me think that there might just be something to me after all. Anyway, we'll be married in June after a whirlwind romance, short courtship and an unbelievably long engagement (it's really only 9 months but it seems to go by at a snail's pace). As far as things go on this side of the mystical realm, she is my world.

And on the other side you say? I'm one of those Godsquad types, yes a Christian. (More specifically, I'm Ukrainian Greek Catholic. No, I'm not Ukrainian ethnically, not at all. I'll explain that later too). I think I've reached the point in my life where I don't ever care who knows that I am a Catholic Christian and I don't ever try to hide it. Does that me make think I'm better than you? (I ask this in a sarcastic tone because, much like Ted and Barney of HIMYM on the drunk train, people repeatedly ask me that question, with varying degrees of anger and/or rage.) OF COURSE NOT! Real Christianity to me is knowing that although you might adhere to something that you believe in your heart to be true and proper, it will never make you better than anyone else, just more faithful. God loves everyone. Look: 

See? Jungle Jesus is pointing at his heart to show you he loves you! Oh boy! (Instagram of a statue that belongs to my future mother-in-law that is almost hidden by the large number of fake plants she owns, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

My hobbies include imagination, reading and all things trains. (More on those later, don't worry)

Anyway, as this blog progresses, and if you choose to continue reading, I will blog about life, love, tragedy, heartache, sickness, suffering, redemption, friendship and God. It will be both a public diary of my feelings and thought as well as a proclamation of my desires. It will also alternate at times between being complete truth as I see it and fictitious allegory meant to express a point or perhaps just give us both (as I assume there to be but one reader {Oh damn, I've gone and been self deprecating and derided my fan-base with more talk how unpopular I am [and been forced to make use of multiple forms of bracket/parentheses] again}) a little bit of mindless escapism. 

Continue down this road with me at your own risk. And you may also follow me on Twitter, @theblackduck24 is me. Too bad there were 23 other Black Ducks but that's the way she goes.

-The Black Duck